pretty flower ugly roots

The time is 12am.

Around this time I'd be on the way home. On a bus...on a train...if it were still 5 weeks ago usually I'd still be with you. Soaking in the comfort of having someone send me home. Just feeling content and happy with everything. Other days when I'm not out with you I'd call you and we'd talk all the way until I get home. Because usually I'm scared to walk home. Its dark and I don't like the dark. I don't like the feeling of being anywhere in the dark. We'd talk about stupid stuff just completely random things and its amazing how we can just continue the whole conversation talking about stuff that is completely irrelevant and pointless haha.

The time is 1am.

5 weeks ago, well I wouldnt have hung up from the call yet. And you wouldn't have either. Because I wouldn't let you. Hahaha :) If you're out I'd probably make you feel damn guilty until you decide to stay on the phone for 5 minutes more. Then extend it to 15....20....hahahaha. If you're home...i'd be like okay its time for me to bathe! And then i'd put you on loudspeaker as I bathe. Hhahahaha because again I'm scared. And you'd be like "what are you doing now" and i'd reply "washing my cheebye" haha

The time is 2am.

I'm on my bed. We are talking about stupid stuff. Friends in school..friends outside school..weird people we encountered..funny things that happened..stuff that we were supposed to do..stuff that we want to do..just everything. It was nice. It was nice knowing I had someone there for me all the time. Complaining about people that we didn't like haha. Stress..expectations..you understood everything.

The time is 3am.

We'd still be on the phone. At this time you'd be tired and yawning. But i still wouldn't let you sleep. Hahahahahaha. You were probably the only person willing to sacrifice your sleep for me though.

The time is 4am.

Usually by this time everyone would be asleep. But you weren't. You'd still be on the phone. With me. You were just...always there.

The time is 4.30am.

By this time we'd hang up. When we hang up I wouldn't sleep just yet. I'd lay on my bed for a few minutes. Think how fucking lucky I was...who else would be there but you. You were like..my best friend. No one could take you away or bring you away from me.

The time is 5am.

I'd be sleeping soundly. Sleeping with a truly happy smile on my face.


Now you're gone


The time is 12am

I am on the bus home. I am listening to sappy songs of unrequited love. I would be looking at twitter on my phone.

I am walking home in the dark. I am walking home by myself. With heavy feet and a heavy heart I manage to somehow trudge home. Trying to ignore the distinct aches in the left corner of my upper ribs. Sometimes as I walk home I'd look up to face the moon..try to seek some comfort in other worldly things- never works.

I am looking down at my feet as I open the latch of my gate and my door. My head is always hung low.


The time is 1am.

I am bathing. All i hear is the sound of running water. I do not hear your voice anymore.

I get out of the shower soaking wet, dry myself up and walk into my room. No voices. I sit alone and stare at the laptop. Open up msn. There are 50 people online but yet none I want to talk to. I go onto tumblr....and i just tumblr my night away.


The time is 2am.

I might be on the phone..either with Nicole or Ahmad. Usually the only thing I talk to them about is how much I miss you haha. Other times we'd just be talking about random stuff that happened throughout the day. You still understand me the best though.


The time is 3am.

I am still awake. My friends have hung up. I scroll through past messages..or read your letters..write in my diary or livejournal a little...tumblr somemore.


The time is 4am.

I am still awake. I lie on my bed and fidget because I cannot get to sleep. My mind is full of the things that I should and shouldn't have done. Mistakes I made...everything that we were supposed to do. They come to me like a train at full speed


The time is 5am.

I am hungry. But I don't feel like eating.
"I had a hole in my heart, so i threw away my plate, cause nothing could fill me up, whatever I ate"

I start scrolling through pictures in my phone. They are still there. I tear sometimes.


The time is 6am.

My sister would be awake by now, preparing for school. She would stare at me in disbelief "well you're up early" My response would always be "I haven't even slept". She would then proceed to shake her head and walk off. I would be still on tumblr. Either that or I would be lying awake on my bed.


The time is 7am.

Usually, I'd get tired. Then i'd catch my first winks of sleep. My only escape from this dreaded place I live in. I would close my eyes, those eyes that were full of negativity: sadness, weariness, helplessness and hopelessness. Finally I would drift off to sleep. I don't dream anymore. Usually when i dream, i get nightmares. I see myself falling and falling and i don't ever stop



I am tearing as I type this. I don't even know why