boats and birds

Just yesterday I managed to dig deep and gain new found courage by sitting by the river studying by myself. Just yesterday I convinced myself not to bother about the things happening around me. Just yesterday I decided that facing everything by yourself is in fact quite brave.

Just today I contradicted myself again.

You gain some... you lose some. I don't like most views on how people should live their lives. I don't like that fact that the world's being so harsh on people that want to pursue their dreams. I don't like it that people bring others down in order to push themselves up. I don't like it how people disagree with what you want to do in life, what you want to be. You want to pursue arts, they tell you to do something else, something that makes you money. You tell them that's what the world thinks, how they're being so naive. They tell you to be smart, to take up something you like but also brings in the cash. Just yesterday I persuaded myself that doing something that's absolutely "not you" is still okay. You can "do whatever you want with money". Money money money, at the end of the day what matters isn't money, but whats inside you. The one sided thinking of practically everyone's money equates to happiness.

Just a few weeks ago Lili and I were discussing the topic happiness over the phone. Would you be happy living in a huge house, with all the wealth you can find? Unlike the lot of you I'd rather live somewhere small, somewhere isolated. I picture this little cottage in the middle of a forest. It is the middle of autumn, trees are shedding their leaves, the wind is blowing in your face. You are gardening somewhere outside your cottage, you feel happy just the way everything is, you want nothing to change. Lili wants a front porch, she wants to paint her fences white.

I'd want to be contented just the way I am now, but I am not. We all know theres a little something missing in our lives, just what, i don't know, but in time to come, we will.